The #1 Life Skill Kids Need Might Make You Uncomfortable

When our children are distressed, many of us are primed to immediately jump in and be problem solvers or model problem solving by solving the problem for them.

This does three unfortunate things: 

First, it tells our children that in order to be okay, all problems have to be solved and resolved. 

Second, it tells them that their distress is alarming to us and we’re going to jump in and solve the problem. 

And that implies the third thing: We don’t think they are capable of working through the problem on their own.

The absolute truth is that getting comfortable with some discomfort is THE TOP SKILL kids need to learn the most on their path to becoming successful adults. I don’t know about you, but I spend a LOT of time feeling very uncomfortable. I often find social situations to be a heavy emotional lift (so exhausting and uncomfortable); I have to do a LOT of things outside my comfort zone for work (public speaking, social media, self-promotion… uncomfortable); and I am a parent, which is perhaps the most demanding and uncomfortable role of all. (Rewarding, yes. Uncomfortable, also yes.)

So here’s the thing:

If we want to teach our kids to be problem solvers, we have to be okay with discomfort because discomfort happens right at the edge of our capacity. You know what else happens right at the edge of our capacity? Learning. Growth. Development. Problem solving. Increased independence. Pride.

Here’s an interesting Catch- 22. If you continually do hard things FOR a child, how will they ever learn to do them independently? But how can they learn to do anything independently if you don’t repeatedly do the things with them until they get it? What if they think they can manage it independently but you don’t think they’re ready? And, perhaps most crucially, what if you think they can or “should” be able to do it by now, but they claim that they can’t?

This last idea is a big one. There are kids who act like they can’t do something, or don’t try that hard in order to make the adult do it for them. This happens ALL the time with chores like cleaning, taking the trash out, or putting things in the dishwasher. Kids who don’t do these things well often get to stop doing them because the parents want them done “right,” so they take over. And it happens with homework, when kids claim that they CAN’T do a thing, when you, the parent, are pretty sure they can at least do some of it.

This is called “Learned Helplessness.” In adult psychology, Learned Helplessness occurs after someone has gone through repeated negative experiences that are beyond their control, so they develop passive resignation to the situation. In children, “Learned Helplessness” occurs when kids begin to attribute their perceived failure as lack of ability and see their failures as insurmountable. 

In casual conversation, Learned Helplessness is when a case of the “I don’t want to’s” meets up with a case of the “I’m worried’s” and results in distress behaviors that spur parents into a “helping mode.” 

Parents often feel frustrated or annoyed when they feel forced to help a child, especially when they are pretty sure the child can do it on their own OR when the child won’t even try. When they’re put in this situation, parents feel like they’re getting played, and perhaps even think that their child doesn’t care or even want to learn. And, again, it feels like a trap, because how will they learn if you don’t show them? But if you keep showing them and never force their hand to do it on their own, how will they ever see that they really CAN do it?

The secret here lies in an educational psychology theory formulated by Lev Vygotsky in the early 1930’s called The Zone of Proximal Development. The Zone of Proximal Development is the gap between what a person can do independently (without any support), and what the person cannot do, even with support. In other words, it is the middle space where– with the proper support and guidance– learning takes place. 

What does this have to do with supporting a child without rescuing them? Everything!

When a child is faced with a task or skill they cannot do, they sometimes become dysregulated and begin to send out distress signals. Parents, who are tuned into their child’s distress signals, have to make a choice: to rescue, or not to rescue? If they rescue, that’s “babying them” and the child won’t really learn. If they don’t rescue, the child will be in distress, and will possibly ramp up until a parent HAS to respond. 

It might be enough to lean into emotions here and acknowledge that the kiddo is feeling pretty bad. It doesn’t feel great to not know what to do or believe that you can solve the problem. I get it. Let’s assume for the sake of this example, that they do not want to be heard or hugged, but actually HELPED. This is where we, the rational, balanced, regulated adult can support them without rescuing them inside the Zone of Proximal Development.

That sounds great, Cari, but HOW do we do that?

I want you to imagine what you would do to solve the issue-of-the-moment for them. Would you take the pencil? Would you grab the measuring cup? Or take a seat at the laptop? When you have that firmly in your mind, I want you to take a ½ step backward and land right in between leaving them on their own and doing it for them. You are firmly in the Zone of Proximal Development. 

This might look different for each person and in each situation. There’s no one right answer. But let’s look at some examples:

• Instead of taking the pencil and showing them, get a different pencil and scrap paper and show them there first so they can try on their own page. 

• Instead of taking the measuring cup from their hand and measuring the flour yourself, put your hand over their hand and show them how the first time. Then stand there and encourage them to try the next one on their own.

• Instead of sitting down at the computer and typing it out for them, sit in the chair next to them, invite them back into their seat, and sit on your hands. (Yes, I mean this literally. I often have to sit on my hands or clasp them together to prevent myself from just grabbing the thing and doing it for them).

• For more cerebral situations, like solving a math problem or doing a spelling crossword puzzle, imagine how you can meet the child halfway to get them started. You might ask some questions like, “Is there any part of this you know how to start while I sit here?” or “What do you think you might do first?”

THIS IS NOT FUN. It is messy and emotional (for all parties) and might still end in a meltdown. That’s okay. You don’t have to fix this for them. You can model tolerating discomfort and showing your child that you and they can survive it.