BIG Feelings + 3 Steps to Regulate Them
Happy Friday!
This week, we’re focused on BIG Feelings. Lots of kids (and adults) think that feelings strike randomly out of the clear blue and blow out like last night’s storm. I often tell parents that feelings ARE like the weather because they come and go, but UNLIKE the weather, we can learn to have some control over our emotions. The trick is figuring out where to start.
Emotion regulation is the term professionals use to describe a person's ability to manage, express, and respond to their emotions. Babies cannot do this, but as kids mature, we expect them to have an increased ability to regulate their emotions. When our kids don’t “age out” of their oversized reactions as expected or when they are unable to cope with day-to-day challenges, parents are often at a loss about how to help them. We usually get through one situation at a time and hope that eventually, something will stick.
There are a LOT of things parents can do to help their children learn to regulate their emotions. In fact, the internet is so full of ideas that it can feel totally overwhelming and impossible to know where to start. That’s where I can help!
Whenever a parent is concerned about their child’s emotion regulation skills, regardless of the child’s age, we begin by identifying where their child’s skills are breaking down. That helps us know where to focus our attention so we can implement strategies that will shore up that child’s skill gap. Emotion regulation is made of three primary skills: monitoring, evaluating, and modulating. To identify where your child’s emotion regulation skills are breaking down, ask yourself these questions:
First:
Does my child notice or know that they are having emotional reactions?
Does my child understand that their emotional reactions change depending on what’s going on around them?
Does my child have a robust, nuanced emotional vocabulary to describe feelings that aren’t simply “happy,” “sad,” or “mad?”
If your answer to any of these questions is no, your child might need help learning to monitor their emotions. This is the first step to emotion regulation.
Next:
Is my child aware that their reaction to a situation should match the size of the problem? (Big problems should elicit big reactions, and small problems should elicit smaller responses.)
Does the intensity of their response change depending on the situation?
If not, they might need some support in learning how to evaluate their challenges so everything doesn’t feel like a HUGE EMERGENCY in their body.
Last:
Is my child aware that different situations call for different responses? For example, do they react differently at home and in public?
Can my child dial up or down their emotional reaction to appropriately match the situation?
If not, your child likely needs some support in situational awareness and learning to modulate (dialing down) strong emotional reactions in real-time.
No wonder emotion regulation is so tricky! Each of these elements takes a lifetime to master, yet we expect our three, four, and five-year-olds to have largely figured out how to manage their big emotions. And, we expect our teens to take in all the stimulation around them and all the demands that are placed on them and somehow know how to balance it all. Yikes. The good news is that you don’t have to go it alone when trying to figure it out.
Tip of the Week: If you’re concerned about your child’s emotional reactivity, look for clues about their ability to monitor, evaluate, and modulate their big feelings. Jumping straight into calm-down strategies isn’t helpful when kids aren’t even aware they’re having big feelings.
Resource or Activity of the Week: Check out this short video about raising emotionally intelligent kids:
Join the Conversation: Cari Newman Coaching on Instagram
Even incredibly dysregulated kids can learn the skills they need to begin responding to the demands of an experience with a range of emotions that match the situation. Parents can help them learn how. Want to explore how I can support your parenting one-on-one or in a group? Let’s chat. Schedule a free exploration call.
Warmly,
Cari
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