Back to School Jitters
It’s August in the south, and that means we’re all headed back to school. For lots of kids and parents, this is extremely anxiety-provoking. Whatever age your children, below are three powerful tips for helping smooth their transition back into the classroom. Next week we’ll explore some strategies for easing your parent jitters.
The Power of a Story
Stories are a form of cognitive play that allow us to imagine different scenarios without actually experiencing them. When used carefully and with purpose, stories can provide a great opportunity to share big ideas with our kids-- without it sounding like a lecture.
Stories of your own childhood are a good place to start. What were you like when you started a new school year? Can you remember anything funny, interesting, or embarrassing that happened to you at a time like this? Sharing those (carefully curated) stories can help normalize your child’s feelings of uncertainty. If you can, sneak in a strategy or two that you used, or share how something that seemed one way turned out another way. (Use your creative license here. I’m not encouraging you to invent things that didn’t happen, but you can stretch or focus on one particular aspect of the story to suit your message.)
It’s also powerful to tell children stories of their own past. Telling them about a time when they did something similar in the past and succeeded can help them identify their strengths now. This can be as simple as, “Remember when you ended up in a class with no one you knew last year, but you gave everyone a chance and met your new best friend?”
Your children will remember stories more than any other kind of “wisdom” you share.
The Power of Listening without Fixing
It’s hard to know what to say to kids sometimes when they’re worked up. When they get home teary after a rough moment at school, our tendency is to rush straight into fixing it for them or making a million suggestions. While surely this comes from our desire to help our child feel better, when we rush to offer solutions we are basically signaling that we aren’t confident in their ability to get through this on their own. If we work hard to avoid this pitfall, we have a chance to communicate that we DO believe they can do hard things. Here’s where a handy little strategy called active listening comes in.
Active listening means attending to the speaker with your whole body by facing the person, looking at them, and staying aware of their body language. In this way, you can read both the text (what they say) and the subtext (what they mean) of their words.
Active listening also involves mirroring the person’s message back to them in simple terms. One way of doing this is by clarifying that you understood them. You can repeat what they said, label the emotion you see/hear, and ask if you got it right. For example, you could say, “There wasn’t room at the lunch table even after your friend agreed to save you a seat. That made you feel sad and left out. Is that right?” For an older child, you might say, “You got let out of your class late, had to rush across campus, didn’t get to stop for water, and STILL got to the next class after the bell. Even though it wasn’t your fault, the teacher called you out for being late. When things like that happen to me, I get super-mad. Is that how you felt?” (Often you don’t have to even ask if that’s how they felt because they’ll be nodding their head or giving some signal that you got it.)
Sometimes just feeling seen and heard is enough to settle the situation down. It might be as simple as listening and saying, “That stinks. I’m really sorry that happened.” Other times, you might feel the need to say more, but it’s tricky to know exactly what to say in that moment without saying too much or too little. It’s times like this that I lean into a tried-and-true phrase that I use when I need to say something but I’m not sure what. Here are a few examples:
- Sounds like you did a good job given the situation. If you want to talk more, I’m here.
- This is really hard. It’s not always going to feel like this.
- I’m confident that you’ll figure this out. If you want to process, I’m ready anytime.
Or, if what a child needs is to feel totally supported, you might say:
- We will figure it out together. (While this does imply that they need you, perhaps it’s something they cannot be independent about yet. That’s ok, too.)
Then use active listening again to hear their ideas for moving forward. Often they will come up with the same ideas as you, but coming up with them on their own is a way to practice being more independent problem solvers.
The Power of an Object
If your child is having separation anxiety or is entering into a totally new and unfamiliar setting, a transitional object might help ease their jitters. Most people think of a blankie or a stuffed animal when they think of transitional objects, but they can be anything physical that provides comfort in unique situations.
As a veteran elementary school teacher, I don’t recommend letting your child bring a toy or stuffed animal to school because these can be really distracting. Instead, if your child is having separation anxiety, a photo of the family or pet in their locker or attached to the front of a notebook might do the trick. Our favorite strategy when my kids were little was a small piece of cardstock with a stick-figure drawing or a few words on one side. That little folded piece of paper in their jeans pocket helped them get through the day.
For an older child, a transitional object might be a particular kind of notebook, or even their phone. The basic idea is: everything might be unfamiliar and chaotic, but THIS thing I understand. Lean into that comfort. Before long other things will start to feel familiar and they won’t need their transitional object as much anymore.
Kids aren’t the only ones who get anxious at the start of a school year. Next week’s blog is about how transparency can help ease parents’ jitters. Until then, remember: It won’t always feel this hard.
