Protection or Connection: The Power of Transparency

Back to school time isn’t just a trip on the Anxiety Express for kids, it also pushes parents off the platform and onto the train. At this time of year, we send our children out into the world where the important people (I’ll call them “teachers” here, but this might include anyone you entrust with your child’s care like bus drivers, guidance counselors, after-school activity leaders) can’t possibly have all the information they need to meet our children’s needs. It’s terrifying.

One thing parents often wonder is what information to share with a new teacher. On one hand, this is a chance to trust a well-trained and vetted adult to do their job and figure it out. This lets your child have a fresh start. On the other hand, withholding critical information from a teacher sets them up to fail. How can they possibly meet the needs of our children if they don’t know what those needs are? It feels like a no-win situation.

Here’s a simple rule-of-thumb for deciding what to share. Ask yourself: Is my goal protection or connection?

Protection

We all want to protect our children from harm. When they are young, we have to protect our kids minute-to-minute. However, as they grow older, we learn to release control and let them figure things out for themselves. If we continued to hold them tightly after they were able to walk, for example, we would be preventing them from learning what to do when they fall. Likewise, if we seek to protect our children by smoothing their school path completely, they will lose the chance to hit some roadblocks and practice getting around them.

Some school examples of holding them too tightly include telling the teacher exactly what to do when your child gets frustrated, requesting that the teacher do something for your child that they can do for themselves, or carefully managing friendships like you did when they were younger. The hard truth is that our children need obstacles if they are going to learn to overcome them. “Sharing to protect” prevents a connection between your child and their teacher and implies a lack of trust that they (the child and the teacher) will figure it out together.

Connection

If your goal in sharing is to give the teacher insight and an increased chance of connecting with your child, you should absolutely share the information. For example, if your child has a consistent trigger like shutting down when asked to read aloud in front of the group, this is valuable information for the teacher to know. It will allow the teacher to approach the trigger situation sensitively and help them connect with your child in planning BEFORE a giant, public melt-down. This, in turn, will build trust between your child and their teacher.

Additionally, if you are working on something specific with your child, for example with a PT, OT, or therapist, it is also helpful to share this information with the teacher, as it will allow them to become partners with you and your family.

If your child has a history of challenging relationships, especially with specific kids in the class, it’s good for the teacher to know this, too. It will allow them to create groups or seating charts with a better understanding of what your child needs. That doesn’t mean that your child won’t land in a problematic partnership from time to time, but it helps the teacher make educated decisions about when to push and when to pause. In each of these scenarios, the information helps builds trust and connection.

When you decide to share information with teachers, consider two things. First, you’re sharing historical data which may or may not apply to your child as they continue to grow. Try to communicate that you trust the teacher’s judgment about how and when to use the information. Second, explain that you aren’t looking for any particular action on the part of the teacher at this point. Your only goal in sharing the information is to give the teacher a little background to take into consideration OR NOT. Try to communicate that you trust them as professionals to use the information as they see fit.

A final suggestion to help with the parent side of worry as you send your children back to school: Ask for what YOU need. If you work best with regular feedback, ask the teacher if you can contact them every so often to find out how things are going. If you need to know the day of an incident that something happened, tell the teacher that you’d like for them to share information as soon as possible so you can follow up at home. Be sure to explain that you know they are incredibly busy and have a million people and things to keep up with, AND that keeping you up to date on important information will allow you to support them in working with your child. (Pro tip: Then write them a quick thank you note or buy them a cup of coffee. Aside from parenting, they have the hardest job in the world.)

It’s hard to know if you’ve shared enough or too much with the new people in your child’s life. If you run it through the “Am I protecting or connecting?” filter, you might just save yourself a trip on the Anxiety Express. You won’t manage it perfectly, so give yourself a break, but creating relationships based on reciprocal support between you and all of your child’s grown-ups makes whatever trip you’re on a little more joyful. Win-Win.