Crossed Signals
Happy Thursday! You made it!
I saw a quote the other day that reminded me of something that happened in a family I work with: “The greatest enemy of communication is the illusion of it.” (The quote is attributed to ad exec Pierre Martineau and/or playwright George Bernard Shaw and/or journalist William H. Whyte. The fact that there’s no agreement about who even said it is a perfect encapsulation of the basic idea that communication is fraught.)
Here’s what happened: The child asked for a sleepover. The mom said no, but the child could have a playdate instead. The child agreed. The mom arranged a playdate. The child melted down because it wasn’t a sleepover.
The mom was gobsmacked because she could not possibly have been any more clear: no sleepover, yes playdate. But the child walked away with a different impression. Was this a willful misunderstanding? A lie? Or just wishful thinking? There’s no way to know because, by the time the parent discovered that a miscommunication had occurred, she was already facing a child who insisted that the mom said the opposite of what she knew she said.
When you’re in a situation like this, litigating who said what isn’t going to get you anywhere. Instead, step into your parental authority by [1] apologizing for the misunderstanding (this is not the same as taking responsibility for it) and [2] calmly restating your position. Then, [3] offer the child a choice of how to move forward. This avoids assigning blame for the misunderstanding (after all, it doesn’t matter why it happened right now) and gives them a sense of autonomy within your limits. Here’s what that might sound like:
“Oh, man. You had your heart set on a sleepover, and I arranged a playdate. Did you hear the part where I said it was too soon for a sleepover with a new friend?” If that’s not what they heard, you can say: “I’m sorry we had a miscommunication [1]. I’m going to try again. Ready? I’m not comfortable having a new friend sleep over so soon [2]. Would you like a regular playdate this Friday, or no thank you [3]?” Whichever they choose is okay with you.
Then, next time there’s any possible room for misunderstanding, miscommunication, or misdirection due to wishful thinking, ask the child to repeat to you what you agreed upon.
Tip of the Week: Stepping into your parental authority doesn’t have to feel rough for you OR your child. It can look and sound like re-stating your decision and their choices without getting activated. They might not like it and that’s okay.
Resource of the Week: One of my favorite kid books about communication is I Can’t Believe You Said That by Julia Cook. It’s a funny and accessible picture book about activating your social filter so everything you think doesn’t come out of your mouth.
Want to explore how I can help parenting make sense, even when everything feels like one big misunderstanding? Reach out through the contact page of my website!
You’ve got this,
Cari
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