Lying Liars
Happy Thursday! You made it! You seriously deserve an award for this one.
I’d be lying if I said parenting was feeling super-easy for people right now, but we expect February to be a real slog, right? The holiday glow is long gone, it’s cold and gross (or creepily warm and gross), and people are eagerly awaiting spring. All expected.
But you know what’s happening in homes everywhere that is quite unexpected? Kids lying their faces off, that’s what. The number of families coming to me freaking out because their kids are lying right and left would shock you. Or maybe not, because odds are, it’s happening at your house, too.
Lying is a really confusing behavior because, a lot of the time, it’s so obvious that kids are doing it. They’ll say, “No, I’m not holding a chocolate bar,” as they’re backing out of the kitchen holding a chocolate bar. Or, “Yes, I brushed my teeth,” when their toothbrush is bone dry. Do they think we won’t immediately see what’s going on?
And then there’s the lying that isn’t so easy to catch, like sneaking extra screen time, not going to bed on time, or going to one friend’s house when they said they were going to another. These are trickier to detect and even trickier to figure out how to handle.
Aside from constantly mistrusting our kids and playing detective all the time (neither of which I recommend), what should we do about our kids’ lying?
I want to say that while lying is pretty upsetting, it is very, very common for kids to lie. Just like any other behavior, lying comes from a feeling which comes from a need. If at all possible, avoid getting distracted by the lie itself (unless it’s creating a dangerous situation) and focus on the feelings and needs underneath the lie. For example, if they say that they know all about something when they really don’t, get curious if the child is looking for validation. If they say they have been somewhere or done something that isn’t true, explore whether they might be seeking connection. And if they lie to get away with something, get curious about why they wanted the thing badly enough to lie. (That doesn’t excuse it, mind you. They might still face a consequence for the action and another consequence for lying, but I’d still get curious about why they lied.)
I’m not asking you to excuse, ignore, or not address the lie. I’m simply suggesting that BEFORE focusing on the lie itself, get curious about what’s fueling it.
Real World Strategies to try next time your child lies:
First, don’t immediately point out that they are lying. Nine times out of ten, they will deny it and dig themselves further into a hole. Instead, proceed as if you know they are lying (without directly stating it) AND give them an out. For example, instead of “Do you have chocolate in your hand?” simply say, “Chocolate does not leave the kitchen. If you have any, it needs to go back into the pantry.” Instead of, “Why are you making up stories about a trip that we didn’t take?” try, “We didn’t go to Yellowstone. I wonder if you’re thinking of Yosemite?”
Second, don’t ask a question that sets up a lie. Instead of asking, “Did you wash your hands?” say, “Tell me when you’re done washing so I can check, please.”
These strategies aren’t going to prevent your child from lying, I promise. But they will give something a little different to try instead of the usual song-and-dance.
One more thing to remember- the way kids are as children doesn’t point to how they will be as adults. Kindergarteners, twelve-year-olds, or even teenagers who lie do not always grow up to become compulsive liars. Childhood is a time for kids to figure out how things work, and sometimes it’s not cute. Our role is to help them learn to do the right thing without shaming them for being human.
Resource of the Week: If you wonder why it seems like kids with ADHD lie a whole lot, check out Beautifully Complex: Why Kids with ADHD Lie & What We Can Do About It.
Join the Conversation: Bluesky / Instagram/ Tik-Tok
Want to explore how I can help parenting make sense, even when it’s completely confounding? Reach out through the contact page of my website!
You’ve got this,
Cari
One more thing– Please forward this to any other parents who might love some short, sweet, and useful weekly parenting tips! (If you got this from a friend, good job for having such thoughtful people looking out for you! Please head over to my website to check it out and click here to sign up for the weekly newsletter.)
